<![CDATA[<body><script type="text/javascript">
function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) {
if(window.addEventListener) {
window.addEventListener('load',
function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false);
} else {
window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; });
}
}
</script>
<div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div>
<script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/platform.js"></script>
<script type="text/javascript">
gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() {
if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) {
gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({
url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar/17336113?origin\x3dhttp://ilovetowave-.blogspot.com',
where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"),
id: "navbar-iframe"
});
}
});
</script>]]>
Francine Caitlyn Chye
a.k.a. Hurricaine Fran
a.k.a. Fran the PCD
a.k.a. the happy bunny :D
<3
040889 (August baby!)
Crescent, ACJC, hocker
xoxo
If it's meant to be, it'll be(:
"And sometimes good things fall apart
so better things can fall together"
don't think, just run
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Late night phone calls with people i hardly get to see anymore and miss hugs from and love having spastic conversations with are addictive but as discussed, the benefits of relationships as such are in their inconsistency and non-draining effects. Hearts anyways (: Guess it gives ME and YOU something to look forward to when given the luxury of time and late wake ups.
Slept at 130am. Nuts. Falling asleep all through chapel (it's amazing. I've almost perfected the art of sleep-singing) but made absolute great use of my 3hr10mins worth of breaks by doing, well, absolutely nothing. Someone please shoot me. School went past quickly, a nice catchup with Lysia during PW lecture then team talk. I love my team. Had a strength-weakness thing. Guess i knew most things already, but maybe not so much that, as much in Lud's words, "over reliance on NOBODY" It's funny, i've never noticed it. Hopefully Clare and I as links will be able to work better with the forwards and improve communication from both sides. Everyone will have to adapt to everyone else's strengths and weaknesses, but it can be done. I have every faith that come next Tuesday, AC Hocks, Girls team, will be able to face VJ head on, no regrets.
"Over reliance on nobody". It got me thinking. As well as my recent conclusion that i am a total control freak, perfectionist and obsessive to the point of exhaustion often enough-this all despite my slightly ditzy, sometimes bimbotic, rather slow and frequent loud/cheerfulness. Oh, and apparently small size. I like to be in control. I don't like to pon class or not do my homework not cos i'm a hard-out scholar-wannabe geek, but simply cos i don't wanna not know what the heck's going on in any of my classes. I know i can deligate work to others but why do i feel like when i do i'm not doing my best? I just feel overwhelmed often enough, with all my different commitments, yet i refuse to compromise any one of them. I keep pushing cos that's the very least i will allow myself to do.
Maybe that explains my retarded breakdown yesterday during the match. Sorry to all i freaked out. Mostly it was anger at myself, me being sick rather, because i didn't feel like i was doing my best for the team. Classic example of how, one day, i will kill myself. But i dunno if anyone can understand this but i can't give any less. The feeling, the adrenaline of having gone all out for a match and crawling off the pitch because neither my legs,shin,body can carry itself or cos my lungs are about to explode together with my heart that just wants to stop and rest.. That feeling. I want to feel it more that anything and it's that exact satisfaction that i want every single one of you girls to have to. To know that it was a match well played, and could not be played any better. Amazing. I promise myself and the team to give my all. And i believe every one of yous will give the same (: AC Hocks, rock my socks.
Girls; NJ friendly is long over; a little stumble is fine. We'll pick it up next time. Take it as a blessing cos through it we've learnt much. Loves.
I know what i want, and that is not to want. But liking.. It isn't a choice, loving is. Liking is a feeling and as much as i want to rid myself of this emotion, this very emotion that's getting me in the worst places, making me stay back to catch a glimpse of what used to hurt, a word, a touch, a smile. So i will work this feeling to my advantage because there's nothing i can do anymore. What i won't do is to pursue. I don't want the complication, the consistency, the tiredness. Freedom has been good for me, independance maybe. I don't think i'm willing to give that up-even on the lonely days when everyone's got somebody to love and i'm still sitting on the bench looking up and the setting sun, or running off memories that i once had. So yes, i'm barring relationships. I don't like the person i am when i'm in one, anyway. The part before the coupledom is fun but i guess it fades and i don't need to go through it again.
I didn't realise that April 9, 2006 had already come. It's been a whole year since the tears before,during,after, since the longing, since the wanting, since the missing, since the needing, loving, holding, kissing, hugging, looking. I'm amazed at how far i've come since you. I don't know what would've happened if you had held on too but i've finally stopped wondering. I don't need you anymore. I'm sorry i ever did. Like i said, memories.
I gave you up for lent, i did. I thought about the one thing that was making me guilty. I know it was mutual but i still felt like i used you.. Ironic since i got hurt a time or 2. We'll be good friends. Or none at all.
-don't think, just run.
ex-oh, ex-oh
2:24 AM
